KK - Immortalized It seems to me that the rhythm in this is attempting to act as the primary melody because of its volume. The drums should probably be turned down a bit after the introduction, which by the way is very good. It does what it's supposed, it garners attention.
Once the drums are actually in the background, you can begin developing the melody which I believe are coming from the synth horns(?).
I like the use of instruments in this. Although there is a very, very low drawn out bass beginning around 0:15s that could be cut in half time wise, as it distracts from the horns.
The motive of the horns seems to be eighth, sixteenth, sixteenth, eighth, eighth, eighth, eighth, and with a time signature of 4/4 if I'm not mistaken (very quick tempo). You can take that motive and increase it each time it's presented by a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc. intervals, or change the direction of the intervals from climbing to descending toward the end of the motive, or change the key signature from major to minor half way through. Just some suggestions.
I like it. It has great potential. I enjoy your style and I think you should keep up with these pieces that are a "little different." PM me if you ever update it or change anything, I wouldn't mind hearing it again afterward.